Ma Fellow 'Mer'c'ns A've called ya hear to 'nnounce ma cand'cy...
Oh! God no! This is not going to work!
And anyway those damned Founding Father chappies, foresighted old buggers that they were, set up their constitution ... thingy specifically to get at me: you know that bit where it specifies that only “natural born” killers ... I-I mean natural born citizens can become presidents of the United States; and then adds in that typically quaint eighteenth century way they had: “and that goes double for you RHB---Nyaaa! Nyaaa! Nyaaa!” And I suppose you can hardly blame them---I mean they knew even way back then (I did mention they were foresighted old buggers didn’t I?) even then they knew that none of the natural born killers ...I-I mean natural born candidates would stand a snowflake’s chance in a self-cleaning oven in Hell against me, not even Hillary!
Well what those foolish not-quite-as-far-sighted-as-they-thought-they-were founding natural born killers... I mean fathers (or do I?) did was to relieve me of the burden of sucking up to lobbyists and special interest-ists and rich donor-ists and the like. So I can have a real platform, unbeholden-ist to anyone: and then when the entire country elects me as a write-in candidate; then we’ll see those founding father guys laughing on the other side of their bank notes---not that currency reform is any part of my platform.
No the main load-bearing structure of my platform is Health Care Reform: and it won’t just be the sort of namby-pamby tinkering that all those beholden-ist candidates are limited to (not to mention the evilist candidates who don’t even care). Oh! No! You won’t find me arguing about just how poor a child has to be before you throw him a few grudging medical crumbs.
No I’m not one of those platform heels.
So to begin by putting my platform in perspective, just look at what the National Health Service over in England (and incidentally not one of the world’s best) gives, for example, to my parents---and remember, this is in spite of them so obstinately standing in the way of me becoming President! They have no out-of-pocket expenses; doctors and nurses who come to their door (though admittedly the nurses do tend to be vicious flu-jab wielding nurses); free hospitalization; free medical transportation; and all the Paracetamol they can swallow (Paracetamol being British for Acetominophen, which in turn is generic for Tylenol). And what does it cost them? I’m glad you asked! Well apart from nothing, it does mean that taxes are a bit higher over there, but over all health care is a fraction of what it costs over here. And anyway what’s the real diff between having to pay a tax to the government and having the choice of paying lots more to some money-grubbing evil Provider or of dying in agony?
And as for choice, well over there they don’t face the probability of having to change doctors just because they’ve changed employers or worse just because their employers have changed carriers in some desperate attempt to cut costs.
Now compare that bounty with what we get over here....
Well it doesn’t bear comparison.
So now I suppose I should finally show you all my platform so that at last you can all get on board.
Since it is pretty obvious that those who profit from our current system are clearly living off immoral earnings, I will have them treated like everyone else who is caught living off immoral earnings. And unlike the departing British magistrate out in one of the smaller colonies in the older days, when asked by his replacement “What do you usually give a pimp?” I’ll not answer, as he did, “Five pounds” but “Seven to ten in Attica”. And after we’ve put them behind bars where they belong we’ll confiscate all those immoral earnings and start our own National Health Service with the money.
And then it’ll be MRIs and colonoscopies all round!
Cheerio for now
from Richard Howland-Bolton.
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