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[Simon introduces Erich von Donkey-Kong, who is having difficulty getting to work through the Can of Worms these days.]
Hello every-vone! It is vell known, is it not, how some 30,000 yearhs ago Ancient Egypt vas visited by pyrhamid building teams of extraterhestial mortitians on fat contracts for ze Pharaohs. Vat however is not so vell known is zat ven these, if ve may so call them, “Sky Gods” firhst arrived on zis planet it vas not to the Old Vorld they vere commink but rather to ze New … World. And in New Yorvik they built some of their most mysteryious and terrhifyink artifacts. Artifacts vhich to zis day are the centre of shtrhange voodoo like coolts.
I am of course talking of no less than the expressvays! Look at the facts if you vill. See how superstitious persons vill throw salt over zeir shoulders to vard off bad luck, and how too superstitious rhoad crews are employed by the county to perform ze very same function, throwing vast quantities of salt all over the expressvays for luck. This is not vot ve do vith more ordinary artifacts, and points clearhly to zere exrtaterhestial orhigin. See too how impossible it vould be for mere human beings to build such things, vhy ve cannot even keep zem free frhom ze, ow do you zay it, heules of pot, so zat now zey are getting just like sviss cheese.
And now I vill let you into my little secrhet, zat our frheinds in the government are a little being naughty and not sharing. You see zey know vot zese exprhessvayz were really built for and I think ze are getting vorried zat the builders may be comming back.
Expressvays, and in parhticular the so called “Can of Vorms”, you know, are really ze Parking Lots of ze Gods. They vere built for them to store zer space craft ven they came to Earth. And now I have said that, I’m surhe many things are plain zat vere vonce hidden. In the past you vere vondering vy it vast zo hard to drive through ze Can, but now you rhealize ze Can is not for driving but for parking, is not that simple? And now think about zis. Vot ist happening to ze Can at ziz very moment. Oh I know zey say they are repairing it. Hah! I vill not expect it to reopen as it closes bit by bit. No I know zat it is merely being returned to its original use. Any day now zee spaceships vill begin to park. And so like Orson Velles in the famous Rhadio version of Var of ze Vorlds I leave you saying "Keep Vatching ze rhoad! Keep Vatching ze rhoad!¹"
Auf weidersein for now
froom Erich von Donkey-Kong.
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Notes:
1 I know it's Ned Scott in The Thing from Another World (1951), you know it, but poor old Donkey-Kong....
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