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I'm sorry Americans... now I do really, sort of, like you guys and all, but I do have to say it.... And after all, in the long term, you all know that it would be cruel to keep tiptoeing around that 10,000lb elephant sitting in the middle of the room.... So I can hide the truth no longer.... I've just got to come out and say it, whatever the consequences.... Which I hope are good... But...
You see....
You see....
You Americans prefer quantity to quality!
There it's out in the open! And I'm sure we all feel better!
And you know it's not just the obvious super-dooper-pooper-sized lardy-burger from the McDoubleMeatFwendyKingBurglerEtcetera-Let's-revisit-that-ancient-Roman-chamber-of-the-vomitorium sort of love of quantity over quality.
Nor is it just in all those BartSucksoid Coffee places where instead of a sensible 'small', 'medium' and 'large' the (usually vaguely Italianate loan-word) descriptions of the cup sizes, when translated, mean things like 'big', 'gigantic' and 'I'd check that hernia after picking up this one'.
Nor is it in the surprisingly similar world of eggs---that now seem, to the absolute horror of chickens everywhere, to come in large, extra-large and jumbo. Nor is it, in fact, in any of the normal comestibles.
No.
I'm afraid that, actually, I'm... I'm thinking of breasts.
Now, while obviously being an awfully titillating subject, the breast seems at the same time to be a strangely embarrassing one, especially when you consider the fact that for any given random population we pretty-well have parity of breasts and people---that is, that taken on average, very nearly every single person in the world has one, so that statistically we are all monomammalian, and in spite of all this unisexual uniformity the American attitude remains particularly odd, not to mention embarrassed and, possibly, titillated. I mean think of all the brouhaha there was about that Jackson woman and her (actually only partial) breast exposure ...at that, ..at that Superbowl thing! Much of the disgust and objection seems to have been because the Superbowl was considered family entertainment (now that's a thought really does disgust me, but I won't go there). Now if families, by which they presumably meant children of all people, should be protected from breasts then the La Leche League really still has got its work cut out for it. But, and, to get back on the track of this essay, think of the way that Americans tend here too to prefer quantity to quality. How else can you explain the wildfire, the runaway plague, the virtual pandemic of Breast Augmentation Surgery?
And, in an even stranger development, how else can you explain Breast Augmentation Surgery's popularity amongst those Americans who are above the fiftieth percentile of the world boob average as well as those who are below it?
It has got so bad that I recently read the strange fact that a porn star was being more conservative about breasts than the US military! Well maybe that isn't SO strange, but when you see headlines like "Porn Star Tells Military 'Bullets, Not Boobs'" above reports from Reuters1, then you've got to wonder what's going on here. Apparently a group supporting natural breasts staged a small street protest in Hollywood a week or so back against a U.S. military policy offering free breast implants to female soldiers. This group was led by porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, who said "I think girls should have natural boobs and natural beauty," after which she unveiled her own breasts in the protest at an Army recruiting office on Sunset Boulevard. Carey, who wore green camouflage shorts and bikini top (at least to begin with), assured all and sundry that her own breasts were real. A military spokesman for the recruiting office where the protest took place apparently said that he had no comment on this.
She has a web site where I found this, and instantly regretted it!
Finally, since this was in Hollywood it naturally brings me to one last point: the recent and horrible King Arthur movie (a movie, by the way, so horrible that it couldn't quite make my current bête noir list, but could only manage the less demanding bête grise one) has the character Guinavere quite sensibly wearing one of those sexy leather sub-Roman sports bras to squish herself down out of the way a bit so she could more easily fire with her bow and arrows and gay abandon during all the battle scenes. So far so good for the film-makers, but then they went and spoiled it all by having the posters for the film give the poor girl, one hopes merely by computer graphics, a breast enhancement which completely negates the whole point of the sexy leather sub-Roman sports bra in the first place.2
Cheerio for now
from a relatively flat-chested Richard Howland-Bolton.
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Notes:
1 Reuters removed the article after a time so:
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A group supporting natural breasts staged a small street protest in Hollywood on Wednesday against a U.S. military policy offering free breast implants to female soldiers.
The group, led by porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, said the military should spend its money on "bullets, not boobs."
"I think girls should have natural boobs and natural beauty," Carey said after unveiling her own breasts in the protest at an Army recruiting office on Sunset Boulevard.
"Women should be happy with their bodies and what they're blessed with," the 24-year-old star of 37 porn films said.
Her words and deeds drew cheers from a small group of men who had gathered to watch the event. Passing cars sounded their horns in response to a sign that read "Honk if you love natural breasts."
Carey, who wore green camouflage shorts and bikini top, assured all that her own breasts were real.
The protest was organized by porn impresario Mark Kulkis, president of Kick Ass Pictures, the company for whom Carey stars.
It follows recent news stories about the military offering free plastic surgery, including breast enhancements, to soldiers and their families so military doctors can practice their skills.
Kulkis said he opposed military breast implants because they are an unwise expenditure of tax money and because he does not like fake breasts.
"We support our military 100 percent. Part of the reason we're protesting is that we think these tax dollars would be much better spent on essentials (for soldiers)," Kulkis said.
"I'm personally opposed to boob jobs, but more so when they use our tax dollars for them," he said. "It's an issue near and dear to my heart."
Kulkis' porno films come with a promise that none of his female stars have breast implants
He and Carey presented a $500 check to Jennifer Zandstra of Commerce, Texas, who was honorably discharged from the U.S. Army two weeks ago and answered a Kick Ass announcement seeking military women opposed to breast implants.
"Thank you for coming up here and thank you most of all for keeping your real breasts," Kulkis told Zandstra.
Carey invited her to star in her next film, "Mary Carey Rules: No. 6," but Zandstra, now a college student, politely said, "No, thank you."
A military spokesman for the recruiting office where the protest took place said he had no comment.
2  
Is it an innie (this is a still from the film) ... or an outie (this from the poster).
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